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Friday, August 12th, 2005
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its been a really long time since i have actually been on here. hopefully i can attempt to get more into the habit. today is my last day of work and i am SO glad! this summer job has been the job from hell. dirty old men bosses who make sexual remarks all the time, who talk to us like we are 5 and are entirely convinced we are incapable of doing anythign that men can do... no i'm not going to miss it here at all! so two weeks to myself before back to school on august 29. teachers college. i have to move all of my stuff home somewhere in between there too so that will take a couple of days. otherwise i'm going to spend some time up at the cottage and hang out with my friends. heather is coming to see me next week which i'm excited about as i haven't seen her in what seems like centuries! also supposed to go out for dinner with linnea at some point in the next 2 weeks. roxy is coming up this weekend - not sure what we're going to be doing, though i do wish it involved seeing mike. babysitting lily tomorrow night overnight so that should be an adventure! otherwise not much else is new...
peace.
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i hate you livejournal!
argh! i just wrote a LONG entry and it wouldnt let me post it and now its gone! ARGHHHH!
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Sunday, February 20th, 2005
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i wish that i knew what it was that keeps setting me off like this. it seems that there are a million things all at once and they just migrate together to make up this huge ball of stress, uncertainty, hurt and fear. now i will vent.
one of my closest, dearest friends is going through hell right now. her dad is really sick. i hate that i can't say anything to make it better and i hate that she has to go through this. and then next to this everything else i have to complain about is trivial.
so i didn't get into the university of calgary for grad school. which is fine, mostly. i am terrified that every letter i get from every school i applied to is going to be the same. everyone keeps saying that i'm being silly to think that way. but really? i'm not. i hate that the decision of some stupid admissions committee decides my future. its fucking stupid. all i want is to get in somewhere. and right now i would LOVE to get into grad school.
i guess i am having a lot of trouble with the ending of university. it is so scary. i hate that my friends will all be gone and that it will never be like this again. hell its changing already. you know how when your friends start seeing someone they tell you that its not going to change your friendship or the time you spend together? why do they bother? because we all bloody well know that it will change. that inevitably you will be ditched and that inevitably your friendship will come second to the boy. i think it sucks. i hate it. i also hate that i can't be completely happy without being somewhat envious or jealous. i hate the way my mind and my emotions work. sometimes i wish i could just shut both of them off so i wouldnt have to deal with either.
i just feel like screaming about everything. about the uncertainty of next year, about the awful things my friends are going through, about the loss or diminishing of some of my friendships...about how unhappy i really am a lot of the time. i want to be happy. i want to be so much happier than i am but i dont know how.
i guess i can say that i understood some of the uncertainty and fear and inclination to run that dennis was feeling at this time last year. all i want to do is run. away from everything - the work, the rejections, the emotions, the uncertainty...i dont want to deal with any of it. i dont want to hear 'oh it will work out' or 'you will get in, don't worry'. im fucking sick of it. i just want to know. i want some solidity about what is coming next...because i am scared out of my mind. more scared than i have ever been in my life.
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Saturday, February 12th, 2005
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last night i premised the email i wrote by saying i had a shitty night. i take that back because it wasn't entirely shitty. it didn't get shitty until later in the evening. jess, heather, karine and i had dinner with my mom over at jess', drank a bunch of wine, then went to see 'the wedding date' ... fun girls night!! i guess i just felt like i needed to say that too...i don't want to be unappreciative of the good things in my life.
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Friday, February 11th, 2005
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i should probably premise this entry by saying that ive had a shitty night, that i have drank far too much whiskey on my own and i have gone through the large envelope of letters and pictures from our relationship that i put away in august and swore i wouldn't look at until i was absolutely ready. there are some things i need to say, and things that i definitely shouldn't put in an email right now because i am drunk, so i will write them here in a safe haven.
dennis,
its funny its been so long since you left me but i still think about you every day. you know what i hate the most about this trying to be friends thing? i hate that we can't talk to each other anymore. we used to be able to talk. we got so good at talking, since really, that is all you can do in a long distance relationship and now we can't do it anymore. everytime we talk it is so cold, so superficial, all fact and no feeling. sometimes i feel like you try as hard as you can to keep any feeling out of every email or phone call just because you don't want me to think that you might still care about me, even a tiny bit. i still can't figure out where it was that we went wrong. even after all this time. stupidly enough tonight i opened the envelope full of things i never should have looked at, all the pictures, the letters, the memories...and i couldn't help but remember how many good days we had. there were so many. the wedding in sault ste marie...that was such an incredible weekend. the week in october in thunder bay...i never thought at that time that we would ever end. i loved you so much. i still love you. remember christmas? with our families? the hotel in toronto, breakfast the next morning...i was so happy. you made me so happy. i was so afraid that you would leave me. which inevitably you did...sarnia over christmas that year...i thought i would be with you forever. stupidly, i thought that you loved me as much as i loved you. sometimes i wonder if you got scared. we were so serious so quickly. our families were involved and our friends...everyone thought we were going to get married. did that terrify you enough to make you go so far away for so long? i wonder if you ever think about me...if you ever wonder if you made the wrong choice. if you still love me, even a little bit. i guess i just wish you would change your mind. even when its been so long and you've made it so clear that you don't want me, that you don't care about me. the stupidest thing is that if you came back tomorrow and showed up here i would take you back in a second. how shitty is that? how shitty is it for me that i am still so in love with you. and that we will never be as good as we were ever again? i'm letting go of you. i have to. i can't keep hurting over you and missing you and wishing you would come back or change your mind. i simply can't do it anymore. i am going to live my life for me and consider you only a memory...there are mixed feelings about your memory in my heart but in the end we didn't work out obviously. and we weren't meant to be...or at least thats the what it seems right now. i wish you every happiness...every success in your life. be good. i love you.
Jo
bahhh. i love him so much. i sometimes wonder why we are given a glimpse of how good it could be, and of how happy we could be together. then its taken away. i don't really understand it. i know that he is content with where he is now. i know he doesn't think about me or miss me or need me or any of the things i wish he would do. but i guess in the end my life has to go on without him. without his love, without the comfort he was to me. and i have to move on. even if i have these moments of weakness when i can't let go of him and i wish he was here to hold me.
i think i should go to bed. it's late and i have had too much to drink. this is just what is in my head.
goodnight.
the way i really want him to feel, even after all this time:
HOME ~ Michael Buble
Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me
Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It'll all be alright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
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sometimes i don't know why i even bother with mel and jen anymore. she called me today and we talked about hanging out tonight and i was thinking 'this is good!'. at least we're starting to repair the bridges that were almost nearly burned to the ground. so i was thinking that maybe our friendship was going to be fixed. but at this point i really dont know that it ever will be. i told her i'd call her when i got home at nine, and i did, because i said i would. funny there was no answer. so i sort of thought that maybe she didn't get to the phone in time, or maybe she was laying down with lily so i figured i would stop by and see if she was home. so i get there and mel's car is in the driveway, but so is jen's. that was the moment it dawned on me...the reason she didn't answer the phone is because jen was there and they don't want to hang out with me. its so ridiculous. i hate that i'm hurt by it. the stupidest thing is that they were probably sitting next to the answering machine when i left a message earlier and laughing at the fact that they weren't answering it. its funny...mel used to do that to other people when i was over...i guess i never thought she would be doing it to me. really the only reason i am actually trying to keep this friendship alive is for the girls. because i love them to death and i want to be in their lives. anyhow. needless to say i didn't bother going to the door because i didn't feel like dealing with the bullshit. im fucking sick of it. i'm fucking sick of people who are supposed to be my friends being a huge disapointment. i guess the only person you can really count on is yourself. i'm realizing that more and more everyday. you simply can not rely on other people...they will always screw you in the end. i just need to let go of it all. of all of the bullshit in my life. the stupid gossip, the friends that are only there when its convenient for them, the shitty way so many people make me feel, the ridiculous ex-boyfriend. i guess the bottom line is i have to stop having so much faith in people. having faith that they will change or grow up or whatever the hell i think they might surprise me by doing. because they never do. people are far too selfish and centered in their own lives to give a godamn about anyone else.
i think i only need to live for myself. to do what i want to do. to work to make myself truly happy and stop caring what the fuck other people think. to stop worrying about boys and relationships because eventually something will come along and i am damned sick of looking. i will enjoy my life the way it is and try to disregard the negative forces that are so good at easing their way into it. no matter how much i keep telling myself i don't need them, it still hurts. i guess thats what its like to betrayed by people you thought would always be in your life.
...........
.........
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Sunday, February 6th, 2005
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i'm doing better today than i was when i wrote the other day. i've had a rough week emotionally. i dont even know that there was anything that triggered it. people have been really disapointing to me lately. not just people in general but my friends. or people who were supposed to be my friends. mostly im talking about jen and mel here. i dont really feel like getting into a commentary of what has been going on because its really all just a load of bullshit and i am tired of feeling like i am in grade 9. seriously where is the maturity people!? i'm really scared/anxious about next year. i can not deny that for a second especially since everytime someone asks me what it is that im going to be doing next year i get this suffocating feeling in my chest and i can't catch my breath. panic attack. the reality is i don't know what i am going to be doing and that scares me more than i can even explain. in my heart i want to stay here, i want to be with my friends and i am so scared of the prospect of going somewhere far away all by myself. what if i don't get into school somewhere next year? what if i can't get a job? what if i can't find a place to live? what if? what if? what if? see...there is that panic feeling again. what else...umm jess and tyler. so incredibly happy for her. love her to death and am so glad that this is happening for her. shes amazing. the only fear i have is a selfish one, that she won't have time for me anymore. which is silly in a way but i honestly don't know what i would do if she wasn't always there for me to talk to. i don't know what i would do if i couldn't see her when i needed to. what if this relationship takes away our friendship. i know it wont but im still scared it will. perhaps because i am so used to being ditched for boys by people who are supposed to be my friends that i am scared that someone who is my bosom, dear, sweet friend would do something like that. which in my heart i know she would never do intentionally. argh.
i guess that is kind of where i'm at. i think that all the things that are causing me stress right now are kind of pushing my emotional well being far lower than it has been in a long time. i'm scared about what comes next. i'm scared of my future because it is so uncertain right now. and it has been a long time since it has been this uncertain. oh yes and the other stress causing agent that is always lingering there in the background - dennis. he's signed on for another year in japan. which means at least a year and a half before he comes back to canada. in a way its good because i know its going to be that long before i actually have to face him again ... and in my heart i am sad because stupid as it may be i miss him terribly and i still love him with all of my heart. i hate admiting that too.
went to the moho last night to see the cheap suits. its been way too long since i have seen/chatted with those guys. they played for a good two and a half hours and it was fantastic. lynn was there which was great because i haven't seen her in ages so we had a good long chat. i still maintain that chris is sexy and i adore his voice. going to see him play on thursday at the spill. woot woot! last night was such a good night. i think it brought my spirits up. megan, amanda, jess, dana, alison and i went and andrew and john showed up with some people i don't know but the night turned out to be a blast! drank far more beer than i should have and stayed out way too late but fuck it, life is short why the hell not! megan and jess had to literally pour me into bed, change me into my pjs and force feed me water...very drunk. fortunately enough i wasn't even hungover this morning! i definitely should have been. today was good. went to church. which i actually really enjoyed. came home went for a walk in the beauteous weather, did some reading for school then went to mom and dad's with jess for a steak dinner. chocolate/caramel cheesecake for desert. washed my dirty dirty car and came home to do more work and had a good long talk/cry with jess about stuff. she must be so sick of hearing about stupiddennis by now. but still she always listens and wipes my tears. i know there are angels on this earth, and she is one of them. as well as my other dear dear dear friends...probably heather, talyn and jess would be among the ones i would put in that category. anyhow here i am now at 11:36pm when i swore i was going to bed early (early being 10). so i think i should try to at least go to bed before midnight. tomorrow comes early and the library with lots of work and reading awaits me. boo. the bright side is that there will be coffee...mmmm.
goodnight. love.
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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
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i'm in some sort of a funk and i can not for the life of me get out. i don't know why or what caused it but i am unhappy. i'm worried and terrified about next year. i seriously doubt the likelihood of getting into school (teachers college/grad school) anywhere. i just don't feel like i am smart enough, i feel like i don't have what it takes. i hate that i am not a profound writer. i wish i could write papers that people were impressed by. i don't want to be seen as a joke.
jess and tyler went out last night, which is cool. i am very glad for her. definitely envious and a little bit scared that now that she has him she isn't going to want to spend time with me anymore. but i suppose that is inevitable isnt it. we all let go of our friends for boys even when we say we aren't going to.
i am overwhelmed by everything that is in my head right now. all the papers to write, the research to do, the friends that are disapointing, the lack of money in my bank account, the applications to submit, the future that i am not sure i am ever going to have...ah fuck. i know its stupid. and why can't someone just help me understand how i feel, or help me feel better...or understand for a second that i can't always be the happy and supportive friend. that sometimes i need to be supported and cheered up.
anyhow. a pile of work awaits me.
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Monday, January 31st, 2005
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lets see...what is new. um. well finally finally got some balls to ask rob if he wanted to hang out and guess what? it seems that in the 6 months that we have been talking and flirting like mad he just forgot to mention his girlfriend who he has been with forever. stupid ass. what is with that? who just doesn't mention their girlfriend?! argh. anyways. at least i know right? i'm trying to make myself feel better. the weekend was pretty good. jess took me out on a 'date' on friday night, to make me feel better about stupidhotrob, went to see meet the fockers (again), which is so funny. i <3 ben stiller. after the movie we went to the pig for some beer, lots of beer actually. we left sufficiently intoxicated and hit the pita pit on the way home. saturday was spent attempting to do work...which in reality didn't happen. saturday night was brian's birthday thing, went for dinner at riley's then played pool at petrina's till about 10:30 then headed upstairs to the junction to dance. stupid bad dj. the music sucked but we consumed lots of alcohol and had a fairly good time. i'd have to say that the hilarity of it all was that j & m showed up in matching playboy bunny tshirts and trashed it up all night. seriously. what in the world is going on in their heads? i do NOT understand it AT ALL. i do not understand the appeal of taking your beautiful amazing children for granted and being a hoe at the bar all night. bah. anyways that rant is over. tyler hit on jess - he touched her bum hehe. all in all it was a good night followed by a fairly relaxing sunday. and onto another crazy insanity school work filled week. wooo.
thats about all. oh. and got an email from dennis...thursday i think, he's signed up for another year in japan, surprise surprise. i hope he stays. stupid jerkass. <- i am just exuding maturity today.
later.
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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
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i had the most intense dream about him last night. i guess i should say about us. how much do i wish it would come true? so much. i'm a little frightened of the intensity of the attraction i have to him. it is unbelievable. and i am unbelievably terrified of him saying he doesn't want to spend any time with me. i know its a fact of life...rejection; i just don't get why it always has to be that way. i would really like if he liked me ... if he could find me attractive but i have a hard time believing that he ever could. maybe that is a big part of the problem. i came across an old entry ( http://www.livejournal.com/users/thisoldplace/16143.html )the other night and even though it was written a couple of years ago there is still so much of it that i feel right now. anyhow. i just can't get the dream out of my head. it was too vivid, and so good that i don't even want to get it out of my head. if only dreams were reality! ha.
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to see a world in a grain of sand
and heaven in a wild flower
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour
~william blake
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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
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ha. no balls. couldn't do anything. bahhhhh. more later.
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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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nothing terribly new. just need to try to write more frequently than i do! am just going to write to get this out because there is so much in my head about this boy right now. i guess i have had a tiny (understatement)crush on him for about 5 months or so now. anyways...no need to talk about past interactions except that we get along pretty well, and thats good. i ran into him on saturday night at the bar...that is after drinking the remaining alcohol in my house to counterbalance the lack of funds to buy drinks at the bar. anyways...we talked off and on throughout the night which is good right? he was there with another guy that he works with (who for the record is an asshole) anyways interestingly enough he seemed kind of uncomfortable with the girls that were hitting on him. in jess' words he "wasn't exactly a cassanova with the ladies". i was hammered. i talked to him lots. we talked outside the bar on the way home and his stupid friend was like "should i just go away so you two can make out?" ...seriously what are you 10? anyways...i've decided im sick of the uncertainty of it all. there is always this tension of something unsaid between us everytime we talk and i'm just going to bite the bullet and see if he wants to hang out sometime. rejection-city here i come! woot woot! so i guess i will find out tomorrow when i see him ... that is if i actually develop the balls to say something.
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Thursday, January 6th, 2005
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I always think I'm ok. And then something happens to prove that I'm obviously not ok. I hate that I spent so much time worrying about him, being that he was in Thailand and all, and then now that he's back home and safe everything he says irritates me. I hate that everytime I show even the tiniest bit of affection...even so small as saying I was thankful that he was safe and not hurt he pulls away. Its like he gets all hyper macho, just to make sure that I know that he doesn't need me. That he is fine without me, that there isn't any way he could ever rely on me. Fuck Him. It's unfair for him to waltz in and out of my life as he pleases, to act like he doesn't even care about me in the tiniest way even as his friend. I don't quite know how to take it and I most definitely know how to deal with it on an emotional level. It hurts me. Every single time I read his wordshe says something that hurts I swallow the pain that wells up in my chest because I know there is no point. Its useless. It is time spent thinking on someone who never thinks on me, who chose to take a path of life without me in it and he makes sure every chance he gets that I realize that he is just fine without me. And then I am left here in the wake of every phone call or email in complete confusion and emotional turmoil. I feel like a fool, a complete and utter fool; for opening up even in the tiniest bit for him, for loving him, for missing him, for needing him and wanting to talk to him, for even existing. I feel foolish when I talk to him, I feel like he talks to me out of pity sometimes, like he's worried I will just become a basket case and I need to be handled with caution. I try to be casual and make it easy to talk and there is always a tension there. It's like he won't give into actually enjoying talking to me. It's like he tries really hard to make me realize that the calls are purely maintainence. Thats it. Thats all. I just need to get it through my fucking head that I am no use to him. I never was, I never will be anymore, ever again. He doesn't want me, he doesn't need me and I was never ever enough for him. He wanted too much more...he wanted the world. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting the world but he took it at a great level of loss. And I particularily hate that he is perfectly fine with it.
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Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
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I don't know why I ever think that there might be a chance with anyone. All I ever end up doing is looking like a complete fool. I really honestly thought there was something there with him. We get along so well, and talk so easily, and he makes me laugh, and I make him laugh...I actually thought that just maybe he was interested. Why the fuck do I delude myself into thinking these things? I don't get it. Its always just a huge let down because I am never pretty enough, or thin enough, or whatever enough for these boys. And I know that I shouldn't want to be with someone like that but I really like this boy and now he's being all weird. Only because I asked if he wanted to hang out sometime. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Why do I do it? What if it's in my head that he's being weird? I just feel like everyone who sees us together knows that I like him and thinks that I'm completely stupid for it because he would never take a second glance. Funny I thought he did.
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Monday, October 18th, 2004
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I hate today. I just hate everything. Everything is irritating and I am exhausted. My heart and my head hurt and I fucking hate that he can still make me feel like this. I thought it was supposed to get easier. I realize that I am being completely incoherant but thats just the way its going to have to be.
School is stressing me out, I have so much reading to do and I can't seem to get it done. I have a presentation to do tomorrow and I can't seem to think of anything intelligent to say. I went to a meeting about teacher's college tonight and shouldn't have bothered going because it was retarded information I already knew and there were too many stupid people there asking even stupider questions. Then I got home and was on the computer and this email notification popped up saying: 'you have recieved a new email from Dennis Patterson' SUPER! Stupidly enough part of me thought for a minute that he was thinking about me and that it wouldn't be another mass email. But no. No of course not. I hate that he sends me mass emails that he sends to everyone else. Its like a vauge insult, like just making sure that I know that I am no more important than anyone else, and that he doesn't have the time and can't be bothered making the tiny effort it would take to send me a real email. I hate that I still wish he would just change his mind and say that he was wrong. I miss him. I miss him so very much, it aches. It literally aches inside and I can't seem to just move the FUCK ON! I miss the comfort...I really do. And I hate admiting that. I hate admiting that I would like nothing more than for him to be here to hold me. Why. Why why why????
Not to mention I have a presentation to do in class tomorrow and I cannot think of one intelligent thing to say. I emailed my prof to ask some questions about it and all she said was 'you can talk about whatever interests you in the novel, just make sure its 15-20 minutes' thanks that fucking helps me so much! arghhhhh! im so frustrated with life, school, boys and today in general.
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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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so new crush. well not really that new but oh boy. i think boys just make me crazy! seriously. i want him. am i supposed to think about boys this much - no i am definitely not. I have so much work to do but all i can think is chrischrischris. what the hell.
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Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
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well he replied. and i guess he redeemed himself a little bit and maybe it gave me the strength to realize that i have inadvertently been moving on...while i thought i wasnt.
this is what he said:
"I wrote more then what I sent to you in that last e-mail but deleted it much like your letters you didnt send I suspect. I havent forgot about you or I would not e-mail you and try and stay in touch even though it is hard, harder for you I fear but not easy for me either. It is hard for us to talk and that is likely because we now have a fair bit of history and it is all quite fresh in both our minds.
Break ups suck and the are way harder when people try and stay friends because of stuff like this. It doesnt mean it isnt the right way to go its just hte harder way. It is way easier to hate someone or be really mad and easier still accross an ocean. I care about you too so I dont want to loose touch, but this next little bit will be crappy and hard as a result. I still want to know how you are doing and what school you are applying to and all that and I want to talk to you about crazy shit that is happening here. I think I have a bit of closure because I said my peace in the spring/summer and maybe now that you have more of it out on your end the closure can start/continue for you too. Rest assured that I know I hurt you and despite my not wanting to admit it I certainly do. I didnt try to if that helps.
Being friends I think should be our goal, and I am certainly willing to work on it and you seem quite willing to aswell. But it is hard because if we ever get in a fight of anything resembling it we can hurt each other really bad. I think we can be adults about it but this scenario was one i lived in for a time in the not so distant past and the was the shits.
I guess I know now that I'm ok. It still hurts...i guess it always will. The pain will never completely go away. But thats that. bahhh. anyways. thats all for now. maybe more later.
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Monday, September 6th, 2004
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man. i guess i kind of just stopped writing in here. especially when everything went all to hell. there is so much to say. i am still so in love with him...but i hate him. we broke up 4 months ago now. 4 fucking months and i still think about him every day. every night. at least a million times a day. was it so wrong of me to write him and tell him how i felt? that i missed him? that i needed him? that my feelings for him didn't change? aparantly it was. i just don't understand how he can take something like this letter bearing my thoughts and feelings and every hurt that i have felt for the past 4 months when he decided we couldn't work anymore and just cast it aside as though it didnt happen. he said: "Your letter on the other hand was well I dont know how to take it really. Not at all. I know how I feel and we are not on the same page which sucks a lot. " thats it? that is all i fucking get for spending a year of my life in a long distance relationship with him? fuck that. that is all i get for taking one of the hardest steps i've ever had to take and tell him how i really feel instead of hiding it? i wrote him back today and this is what i said:
"Sometimes I have absolutely no idea what to say to you. I know that you would rather just avoid the topic of the letter I sent you but I can't seem to understand the use of completely disregarding it and how I feel. It amazes me that you can just say that you know how you feel and that we obviously aren't on the same page and leave it at that when I have absolutely no idea what page you are on. I guess the trouble is that I don't think we ever talked about how it was going to be with us when we weren't together anymore...You know that the way I feel never changed...but I don't know if you even realize how much you hurt me. I don't know why but its hard for me to be ok with the fact that you so easily moved on and forgot about me. That you are fine without me, that you don't need me or miss me. Its stupid I know but its how I feel and I can't not say it. Its stupid that it has taken me this long to be able to actually say all of this to you, but I guess time is supposed to heal wounds. I guess I realize now that for me to be ok I need some sort of closure...I don't know what closure that is...because I thought that when you left I would stop missing you and that this would get easier. I'm not very good at this whole just being friends thing...I'm working on it though because I do care a great deal about you. I'm sorry this is coming out all at the same time, and over email at that - but I think its easier for me to say it to you here than it would be over the phone on an international call, or in person which we both know isn't at all possible. Can you please just let me know how you feel about all of this because its is really important to me to just know. For me to move on and be ok."
so i guess that is my last ditch effort. he emailed me this morning with all the nonchalance of none of it mattering...well fuck that. thats what i have to say. you bloody well hurt me and now you can hear about it and you can fix it if you still want to be my friend.
whew. that was what i needed. to rant.
in other news...fell down on a grassy slope at the cottage this weekend while quite drunk and injured my shoulder...yay time spent in emerg...turns out i strained it and i need to go to physio...so much for going to the gym!
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Monday, January 26th, 2004
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hm. its been quite a long while since i wrote in here last. oops. everything is going alright i suppose. dennis got his interview for teaching in japan next year...which means that he may be gone for a whole year...which makes me crazy because i never thought i would be this in love with someone. oh well. school is busy, trying to keep up with all my readings and rewrites and essays...bah. i will prevail! ha. anyhow...i go to thunder bay in 17 days...cant wait. ill be there for valentine's day so we shall see how that goes. for now though its off to bed.
ps. im awfully tired of my user icons.
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thisoldplace's journal
tired.
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sore.
sleepy.